I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
