I just pynch a tree in the face
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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