Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
