i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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