so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
