Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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