someone owes me an orgasm
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
