Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
