tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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