You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
