On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
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Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
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So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?