i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Apple has a Lot to Explain to iPhone X Customers
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
People Asked The Internet Questions About their Private Parts And The Results Are Hilarious
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk