If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
