the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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