Apparently you make a good broom.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
