I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
