How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
