yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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