I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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