I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
