I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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