I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I think my moral compass just broke
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