i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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