you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
