every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Randomize
