If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
