i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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