My sheets look like a crime scene.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
