I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
