I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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