Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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