My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
