I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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