My nipple is on Facebook.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
