I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
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Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
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I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
He has the fingertips of a God
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