I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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