i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
We are all done wearing pants today
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
