I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
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I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
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Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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