Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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