I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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