My friends, they love my intelligence
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Just cropdusted the office
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
i think i just lost a toe
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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