wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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