that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
