I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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