just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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