That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
