So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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