i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
