i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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