eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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