Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
