oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
