i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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