I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
